No One Ever Lets Me Die
by Sammythemoose666
Summary: After a depressed, suicidal Sam had yet another nightmare about Hell, he decides its time he ended everything. I guess Samifer is implied.
1. Trying to Die

I felt as though I was on fire. And yet I was strapped to a block of ice. The exposed parts of my skin that touched the ice were turning a purple blue, and they felt dead. My breath came out in hot, thick white fogs. My lungs felt dry as bone every time I tried to suck in a breath of air. A laugh echoed through the white room.  
"Sammy, Sammy, Sammy..." Nick/Lucifer's voice said softly. I squeezed my eyes shut. I knew it was him. I didn't have to open my eyes. And yet I did anyway. He came out the corner, still wearing Nick as his meat suit, just as I thought. His snake like tongue flicked in and out of his mouth, and his bright blue eyes glimmered with something I had never seen before. And I was too scared to find out.  
"Stay away from me!" I yelled. It rang through out the room, echoing several times before an eerie quiet settled in. And then he reached for me. His hands, colder than the ice below me, trailed up my torso, which I now realized was bare except for the hundreds of tiny cuts. They stung when he touched them. I shivered, grinding my teeth together to keep from screaming. And then his tongue flicked out again and he licked my face. I couldn't take it anymore. I unlocked my jaw and screamed. I thrashed around and I kicked, but Lucifer was stronger. His hold on my hips was unbreakable. He climbed on tip of me, licking all my wounds. A pain stronger than anything I've ever known rippled through me, and I screamed and screamed. After a while I just sat still. I couldn't open my mouth, couldn't scream. I was too scared, and I was too weak. I didn't move as he touched me. I couldn't.  
"Sam! Sam, ya idjit, wake up!" This was not Lucifer. I was being shaken now, and not by cold, strong hands, but by normal, rough ones. The smell of whiskey wafted to my nose, and I jolted up, springing out of bed. I blinked sever all times, taking in quick, panicked breaths. Bobby. He was standing over me, a look of concern clouding his features.  
"Bobby." I breathed, getting up and walking shakily over to the kitchen. This wasn't the first time I had dreamed of my time down in hell. And every dream is more real and more terrifying to then the last. My hand shook as I drowned the bottle of beer.  
"You sure got a set of lungs on you, boy. I'm surprised your brother didn't wake up." Bobby said, watching my every move.  
"What do you mean?" I asked.  
"You were screamin' your head off down there." Bobby said. He went over and put a hand on my shoulder. I jumped. "You sure you okay? You can tell us if you're not." He said. I stared at him for a moment. This was Bobby, for the love of God. I could tell him._You good for nothing little shit_. Said the voice in my mind. _You really thing Bobby cares? All you've don't is cause a lot of bad things to happen. You're no good for them. Die already._ I believed the voice. This had been happening a lot lately. Once I figured out how to temporarily stop the lucifer hallucinations, a new voice came up a lot that just wouldn't go away. And I didn't try to make it go away. Because it was right. I put on the best smile I could and slipped on my shoes.

"I'm fine Bobby. Nothing to worry about. Just a bad dream." I said. I grabbed my knife and my gun. "I think I just need to go for a walk." I grabbed my phone and walked out. I don't know if bobby said anything after I left or not. I walked for maybe an hour before the voice came back. _I SAID KILL YOURSELF YOU USELESS, GOOD FOR NOTHING, FREAK! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE._ The voice screamed. Without realizing it, is as crying. I went into an old where house and curled up in one of the corners, trying to get the voice to go away. _Or are you forgetting what you've done? Nothing good, that's for sure. Lets take a look. You killed mom. You killed jess. You brought on the apocalypse and sprung Lucifer out if the opened the gates of hell. Killed innocent people. Said yes to the devil. And then you go and forget your soul in hell, so poor old Dean has to go through the trouble of finding it for you. You ripped him away from Lisa and Ben. You're a monster. A freak. And abomination. Stab yourself. Is what you deserve. I_ shook my head, trying to stop the crying.  
"You're right." I whispered finally. "I'm not good for anything." I took out the blade. A single beam of moon light shone in and reflected off the blade. I could see my red rimed eyes staring back at me. They were filled with fear. _DO IT._ "What about Dean? He needs me." I said shakily. _He doesn't need you. He never did. He thinks you're worthless, and you always cause trouble._

"I want to say goodbye." I pulled out my phone. And then, after a few cuts on my side and hot tears later, I called him.  
"Sammy? Where are you? Why aren't you asleep?" Deans sleepy voice said through the phone.  
"Dean." I said. There must of been something in my voice, because his voice sounded panicked when he answered.  
"Sammy? What's going on? Where are you?"  
"Dean...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything."  
"Sammy?! You listen to me, Sam-"  
"I'm sorry that you had to watch over me as a kid. You had to grow up too fast and you missed out on a lot. I'm sorry you didn't have any friends because of me. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused. Sorry that Cas is gone and its all my fault. That you had to leave Lisa and Ben because of me."  
"Sam-"  
"I promise you that you won't have to do it anymore. You won't have to protect me."  
"Sam, stay where you are. I'm coming to get you." I could hear the car starting through the phone. Damn. I forgot he could track my phone.  
"Dean...please don't stop me. I'm sorry." I said.  
"You're not thinking what I think you're thinking, are you Sam?! Please-" I hung up. For a long time I sat there, staring down at the knife, contemplating wheater I should do it or not. _They'll get over it_. I drove the knife in.

...

was I dead? No. I wish I was. Dean was staring at me, unblinking. I was breathing normal. Which was good, I guess. When I stabbed myself, my head hit a metal crate. So I was in a coma for some time. More things for Dean to worry about. I had needed stitches for some of the cuts I had given myself. Dean didn't tell the nurses that they were self inflicted. I don't think he wanted to believe it himself. I opened my eyes and turned to look at him.  
"I'm sor-" I started.  
"Please don't Sammy." He said softly. "Don't say you're sorry. There's nothing to be sorry for."


	2. I'm sorry

The doctor said I had to come in two weeks after they let me go, so that he could remove my stitches. But that was two weeks ago. So, now, I was sitting on the couch, Dean crouched in front of me, trying to remove them as painlessly as possible. Which was hard. I kept flinching.  
"Try not to move so much, Kay Sam?" He said.  
"I'm sorry." I said. Dean looked up at me.  
"Sammy, what did I say? You don't have to say sorry. Really."  
"I'm sor-" I stopped my self and kept my mouth shut. In the weeks that followed after they let me out of the hospital, everyone was treating me like I was a glass vase. A glass vase that had already been broken. Every time id say sorry for something, Dean would give me this look, like panic. No one ever left me alone. If Dean was out hunting, Bobby watched me. If Bobby was out doing who knows what, Dean watched me. And when I was sleeping, the devil had his way with me in my nightmares. I couldn't catch a break. And that voice was back. See what you've done? Gone a fucked up Dean's life even more. And now you made Bobby worry about you too. You're a horrible person. The voice said. I agreed. Taking my life seemed like the best option, but no one ever left me alone and Dean had gone through so much trouble to keep me alive. But I just...couldn't do it anymore. I walked over to the desk and started cleaning my gun.  
"I can do that Sammy. Why don't you go eat something?" Dean got up and came to stand next to me. I sighed. He was never going to leave me alone get again was he? I don't know why he's doing this. He's better off without me.  
"Dean, I'm fine." I put the gun down.  
"No Sammy, you're not." He took the gun away before I had the chance to stop him.  
"What are you-"  
"You tried to kill yourself Sam. If I hadn't found you, you'd be dead by now. Is that what you want? To die? All alone?" He asked. I don't know what he was expecting me to say.  
"Yes." I said after a while. He looked surprised. He probably wasn't expecting me to be honest. I hadn't planned on it either.  
"We'll I don't!" He said.  
"I'm sorry." He gave me that face again.  
"Please." He paused, back facing me. "Don't say sorry. I'm tired of your sorries. You say sorry for everything, and you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one that should be saying sorry. I obviously haven't been the best brother, if you're going as far as trying to kill yourself to get away from me." He turned back towards me. "Is that what this is Sam?" I stood up.  
"Okay. Enough with this touchy feely crap Dean." I said. "Just leave me alone. I'm going on a walk."  
"Last time you went for a walk I found you two hours later with a knife in your stomach." Dean stepped in front of the door.  
"Move." I said.  
"I'll let you go. Just...answer some questions first."  
...

I was sitting on the couch, six eyes staring back at me. Bobby's brown eyes, filled with worry. Dean's green eyes, filled with utter panic. And Lucifer's blue eyes, cold and amused. He enjoyed my pain. I know he did. I pressed on the jagged scar on my palm, hopping he'd just go away. His image flickered, and then he disappeared.  
"What were you thinking boy?" Bobby asked me. I lifted my head to look at him. I frowned.  
"Look at our lives Bobby." I said.  
"What's wrong with 'em?" He asked.  
"Look at what I've done! I killed mom...Jess...who knows who else I've killed. Probably hundreds, I freed LUCIFER FROM THE CAGE!" I yelled. Dean sprang up.  
"You're not the one that brought on the friggin Apocalypse, Sam! That was me!"  
"That's true. My little demons beat him until he broke. It was fascinating, really." Lucifer said from where he was perched on the couch next to me. I clenched my teeth.  
"But you're not the one that opened the gates." I whispered. "No. That was me. You tried to stop me and I did it anyway."  
"That doesn't mean you have to go and kill yourself. You've saved way more people than the ones you've killed."  
"But I've killed people. And I don't care if I was possessed or had no soul, I still did it. And I can't live with that. I just...can't." I started walking towards the door again. "I've answered your questions. Now leave me alone."


End file.
